Wednesday, August 5, 2009

How do you spell relief?

Do you remember the commercial about Rolaids? "How do you spell relief? R-O-L-A-I-D-S" I could never figure that out as a kid because I thought you spelled it R-E-L-I-E-F! I was little what can I say!

I don't have one word in mind to spell relief today but I definitely feel relieved. I have been obsessing over diabetes for the last week or so. Obsessively obsessing. There probably isn't a word yet to describe how upset I have been about everything. I have been talking to Dave who has been patient and understanding with me as I have progressively deteriorated since starting my own continuous glucose monitoring system.  He has had nurses call to answer questions and just to listen. He has offered to have me talk to an associate of his who is type 1 and wears a CGM sensor. Dave is such a nice guy.

My frustrations with the sensor have increased even though I finally got a sensor in that was comfortable and seemed to be giving fairly reliable information. Every night I am awakened by low BG (blood glucose) alarms. Every night those lows wake me up to the point that I can't get back to sleep for 1-3 hours. Every night while I try in vain to go back to sleep my mind won't shut up. I stress over my diabetes. The last couple of nights I have considered emailing the nurse who trained me who is type 1. I talk myself out of it every time and by morning I'm glad I never said anything.

Last night before I went to sleep I prayed for help in getting out of my head. I woke up around 3 am again. Right on schedule! I was up for about two hours crying in frustration over everything. When I got up for the day the frustrations were still there in full force. Not knowing what else to do today, I finally sat down to write the email. I wasn't sure if I would actually send it. Hubby would have to approve it first as he always does when I share my deepest personal feelings. I was getting to the end of my thoughts when I saw an email come through from Dave. He had offered to review the CGM information with us. I had accepted his offer but was waiting to hear back from him. A day and a half wait when you feel like you're about to lose your mind is an eternity! In his email he asked if we could meet later today. Relief slowly started to wash over me.

The meeting went well. He downloaded my pump and explained the graphs in a way that finally made sense. He also helped us set up the CareLink software with another disc of his. For some reason none of our computers would let us finish setting up the CareLink software. So finally we have access to my own data! He also reviewed techniques to properly insert the sensor since Hubby didn't feel confident he was doing it correctly. Throughout the whole meeting, I was quiet and reserved. I was overwhelmed with information and I was trying not to get my hopes up again. But after he left I started to feel like I understood more. Hubby understood everything and that was all that mattered but I was grateful that I was starting to see the light myself.

I appreciated how Dave was non judgmental. At one point he even said that he knows a lot of diabetics are told they are bad. Nobody has ever come out and said that to me necessarily. I had a doctor who I didn't get along with for a long time because he was so emotionally invested in his patients' success and he would yell when I screwed up. But I was a rebellious teenager and didn't want to do what I knew I needed to do so we butted heads for a few years before I decided to try again. He was completely different when we were on the same team! He cared about me and he cared about how Hubby was doing. He was a great doctor. Then I worked with an endocrinologist here who was so laid back and never held me accountable for anything I stopped trying. I didn't consciously do it but I guess on some level I thought if he didn't care why should I! My doctor now recognizes I need to get things under control. He doesn't sugar coat anything but he also gives me hope. Yesterday he kept saying, "Don't get so frustrated." He wouldn't dwell on it but would just say a brief, "It's too early to tell if you don't like your CGM." Or "Don't get so frustrated." "Let's do this and we'll see in a month."

Hubby is relieved that things are making more sense because this whole CGM thing was his idea. He has a lot more confidence that his original plan of doing whatever we could to keep me alive as long as possible is really going to work. It is nice to have a husband who loves me. I really used to think my diabetes would be a deal breaker. I am so glad he is ok with it and is willing to do anything to make it easier to live with.

I wouldn't say I feel excited about anything. I feel totally relieved. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I was actually hungry for dinner! I am ready to do another week with the sensor. My doctor said to do one more week for him then take two weeks off, then one more week before I see him. This next week is going to be so much easier on me emotionally. I think my blood sugars will be better too since I won't be introducing the variable of my obsessive stress. I am so humbled by the way Heavenly Father answers my prayers.

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