Monday, April 26, 2010

On a hot summer day . . .

Blood curdling screams filled the air and echoed in my head.  The crunch of metal off in the distance made me want to vomit. 

Click.  Click.  Click.

Wind rushed all around me and I knew I should’ve enjoyed the calm before the storm.  The smell of hot grease melting in the sun scorched my nostrils.  Brakes screeched but we didn’t stop.  I opened my eyes just in time to see the trees turn upside down.  My head was pounding as if any second my ears would explode, shooting blood in short bursts in time with the intense thudding of my heart. 

Was it my head ringing or was it the incessant screaming?

Sarah McLachlan calmly reverberated in the back of my mind, “This is gonna hurt like hell . . .”  Sudden impact drove the point home.  I violently jolted forward only to immediately snap back.  The screeching brakes slowly died down. 

For a brief moment all was silent.

My hands somehow unglued themselves from the sweaty safety bar.  Muffled retching sounds caught my attention.  A glistening fat man filled his baseball cap.  Suddenly I remembered why I had sworn off riding the roller coaster.

~ ~ ~

This is fiction.  I wrote it for fun.  Any thoughts?

8 comments:

  1. Pretty dramatic for a roller coaster ride but it sure is true for me anymore. I can't believe I used to like them and now I almost hate to watch other people go through the torture.

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  2. Hi Dawn,

    Maybe it is a little dramatic. The sounds and smells I described take me back to all those times my dad would take me on the rickety white roller coaster at Lagoon. Nothing like being 6 years old and terrified but doing it anyway! How about you and me on the roller coaster at California Adventure in December?

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  3. Hi Tristan,

    I almost gave up on this because I couldn't make out where you were going with it. Of course, once I got to the end, it all made sense. I liked it, especially the upside down trees line. It made me picture a car rolling over. Ray

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  4. Hi Ray,

    Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it. I just have to ask, once you got to the end what did you think of it? I wrote this over 10 years ago. My fiction typically had a surprise ending. Was that a turn off?

    I've read books that I almost quit on before it got really good and now I love the book. I've read books that I love to hate because they are too real.

    Thanks again for your comment. I love writing and am always interested in honest feedback so I can improve.

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  5. Hi Tristan,

    It was there in the middle of my comment. Once I realized what it was about I reread the post and decided that I liked it. :)

    Here's what I thought as I read it.

    At first, why would the crunch of metal make you vomit?

    Then I thought - Car accident.

    "Unglued hands" threw me for a loop.

    Of course, the mental images from those words made sense to me once I knew that it was a roller coaster ride.

    If I offered a suggestion it would be that although a surprise ending is good, it may work better if there were fewer seemingly out of place things in the passage. But like I mentioned earlier, I liked it the way it is.

    Thanks for asking. :) Ray

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  6. Thanks for your feedback, Ray. I can see what you're saying. I'll keep practicing since the surprise ending has found its way into some of my other writing too.

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  7. I think I will keep my feet on the ground for the most part in December. If Gavin was scared of a ride I am not going on it either. Thanks, anyway.

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  8. LOL Dawn! Heath said I couldn't pay you enough to go on the roller coaster. Too bad. Your loss.

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Now that I've shared my thoughts, what are your thoughts?