Thursday, May 27, 2010

It’s a crazy idea that just might work

Let go.  Easier said than done but today I realized that’s what I have to do. 

Today I visited my endocrinologist.  My A1c is 7.1, which is down one whole point from the last time I had the test done.  It’s supposed to be below 7.  My endo told me the result and said that he was happy with it because it’s moving in the right direction.  The rest of the test results from my blood work were fine.  My kidneys are fine, my liver is fine, my cholesterol is fine.  The A1c is not great but it’s coming down. 

He told me I looked good on paper.  So I asked why I don’t feel as good as I look on paper.  I told him I feel like I keep fighting with my blood sugars every day. 

“Why are you fighting?”

When he asked that question it was like all the noise suddenly stopped.  The sail was effectively taken out of my wind and I just sat there wondering why I fight everything so hard. 

I told him about last week.  How I had never bolused early for a meal but because I was so frustrated by my numbers I tried it.  It was magic.  For three or four days in a row my blood sugars were perfect.  I was on Cloud 9.  What a simple change that seemed to make all the difference. 

But then the magic stopped.  One day was perfect and the next day I did everything the same.  Except my blood sugars were all over the place but mostly high.  What happened?

He didn’t have an answer.  There is no answer.  It’s diabetes.  If it made sense like math, with only one right answer, diabetics would be fine. 

He said that everyone is different.  Some people are really sensitive to stress or things like that.  Maybe that’s what was causing the fluctuations in my blood sugar readings.  I admitted that I am an anxious person.  It’s who I am.  He basically responded that I need to stop worrying so much about my blood sugars. 

He told me that if I let it all get to me and start making changes every time I see something I don’t like I will be changing settings constantly.  I’ve done that!  He told me to just go with the flow and ride it out before I get so upset over things. 

“You’re getting better.  You should be proud of yourself.” 

The drive home was self reflective.  It usually is in one way or another.  Somehow his words made so much sense.  I have tried everything I can think of to isolate variables and figure out what is going on.  He’s right.  Why am I fighting?  I should be proud of what I have done.  I have worked hard and I deserve to congratulate myself on my accomplishments and forget about the rest of it.  He also said that nobody is perfect and to think that I am perfect means I’m nobody because nobody is perfect.  

I am giving myself permission to stop thinking.  The more I think about diabetes the more I get depressed and cry about it. 

This song says it all.  I chose this version because the lyrics are on screen.

 

 

I can do this.  I’ve done so many other things.  All I have to do is let go of the power struggle with myself. 

4 comments:

  1. I love this post. Diabetes is not life math - despite how much I wish it were. There is no right answer, just a group of reasonable guesses. Your endo sounds great. I'm so glad you got this permission. I think that's sometimes half the battle - we expect that we need to get this perfect. It's nice when someone, particularly someone we view to be in authority, tells us it's okay.

    My best to you!

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  2. Thanks for your support Lorraine. (And the retweet!) I'm too much of a perfectionist so it's nice when I get the reminder that I'm human. And that's okay!

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  3. Hi Tristan,

    Usually, we hear the "let things go" advice when we are trying to affect things which we have no control. In your case, you have control -- albeit not precise control -- to modify your diet and behavior, so I'm a bit confused about this advice. Am I missing something? I suppose that what you are talking about is a matter of degrees, as in getting close to your goal is close enough. If that's a more accurate reading of what you've written, then I wholeheartedly agree. Perfection is an illusion and we should always ask ourselves why we are wired to see it as a goal. I started a post on that topic this morning. Let's see if I finish it, or if it ends up on the "works in progress" scrap heap. I'm glad to hear that your visit went well and that your doctor's advice provided you with some peace of mind. Ray

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  4. Hi Ray,

    I can see how one might be confused by this post. Honestly, I almost didn't post it because I was afraid it made no sense. Those people closest to me know I'm a walking contradiction!

    The Reader's Digest version of this complicated epiphany is I have always believed in mind over matter and I think I have almost been sabotaging myself by overthinking diabetes. I am a passionately intense person and I live in my head too much. So I see a blood sugar reading that I don't like and I get upset over it. The more I agonize and freak out about the number the harder it is to correct it and the longer it takes to get back in line. When the doctor said to not worry about things so much it really rang true for me. It was worth trying anyway.

    I have been trying to take care of my diabetes without getting emotionally involved in the blood sugar readings I see. Three days later and it seems to be working. I just need to keep up this positive attitude.

    Thanks for your comments. I look forward to reading your post.

    Tristan

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Now that I've shared my thoughts, what are your thoughts?